Oh Crap !


Over the years, boating the beautiful mountain lakes of our region has remained a favorite hobby of mine – so much so that the opportunities for spending nights aboard have been plentiful; with that said – and with consideration of the combination of other factors on a particular day…. the following event was as unanticipated as inevitable.


After one long day of boating I found an isolated, beautiful, and very peaceful cove to drop-anchor and spend the night in.  Within this particular cove there were steep cliffs on each side so my anchorage was just off the walls yet out of the main channel. Being in an offshore vessel, my boat at the time enclosed creating a tent-like atmosphere – so I used it in that manner.

Settling into ‘the best’ of sleep amongst the serenity of this particular setting the only awakening of the night occurred with some pre-daylight anglers working down the shoreline.  I could hear the tone of their small-talk long before their lure bounced from the hull of my vessel and ‘ker-plunked’ into the drink.  Their soft chat continued as I lay silent before fading out as they worked their way down the shoreline – tranquility returned.


My usual routine for mornings was to jump into the pristine water, climb out, soap down (with Ivory bio-degradable) and then jump back in to rinse the soap off (wet, soap, rinse) – a ‘bird-bath,’ no damage done.

As a conscientious person of our environment if I needed to ‘use the bathroom,’ I would simply amble up the shore and into the woods – like the bears do.  On this particular morning daybreak came early – along with my waking came the undeniable (and immediate) urge to expel the previous day’s consumption of fibrous food and beverage products – I really had to use the bathroom!  #2!


Unfortunately the steep walls of my anchorage prevented that easy walk for settling this issue ashore, and as much as I disliked the thought – it would be necessary to improvise – sometimes you just gotta-do what you gotta-do, and hey – I really had to ‘doo!’ 

So in thinking that this story would NEVER be repeated; I quietly slipped into the still morning water and slowly moved out into the glassy-smooth abyss.


Now, I don’t tell too many folks but every since the movie ‘Jaws’ I do have had some trepidation with what might be lurking in the waters darkness – yet on this morning there was something more pressing and urgent on my mind – I had an impending mission.   The waters remained calm as I gently moved to about 50 feet from the boat and ‘hovered’ in this most serene of settings – this is where I nurtured my very personal and natural urge.

What occurred next really was extraordinary – in fact it was downright amazing.  At the moments glance I could only think that the ‘mechanics’ of it all had to do with vapor density/specific gravity/the weightlessness like in space or maybe even a full moon – or the combination of all – but what I witnessed suspended just below the clear greenish water was absolutely stunning! Suspended just below the waters surface was an extremely large, contrasting, perfectly symmetrical and straight – THIRTY-INCH ‘LOG’ (it seemed) LOG of human waste – a magnificent and very extraordinaire  mother of a turd!

But hey, this story was never to be repeated.  Any relief that should have come over me from giving birth to such a monster was lost with utter amazement – and for all the grotesqueness that all this may seem to any civilized person; both ‘IT’ and the moment was simply awesome.  So feeling a bit less encumbered I eased back towards my boat through the glass-smooth water of the early morning.

Once again since the movie ‘Jaws,’ I do have some apprehension of the ‘unknown’ when swimming alone in deep waters – with my mind now off of the initial necessity of my mission this apprehension was indeed in my thoughts as I eased back towards the boat.  And then it happened, something foreign made a gentle ‘tap’ at my back!

Brushing the thought away I slowly continued pretending to ignore and not to feel anything – but after yet another one of these ‘strikes’ – I reluctantly and ever so cautiously turned in anticipation of confronting the next great attack of whatever evil creature was about to devour me –

Peering below the surface of the water, I saw ‘IT’ – that giant mutant turd gliding towards me!


In the mirror-like calm water of the morning this amazingly huge and distinct ‘turd’ that I had given birth to was the evil creature ‘shadowing’ me.  Within the peace of the early morning “IT’ had become trapped in the only current available – the currents within the ‘eddy’ created behind me as I swam.

I chuckled in relief at my apprehension, but then began swimming with a little more vigor and intent.

To my dismay (and why this story is repeated), the object remained in close pursuit (the damn thing was hung up in my ‘eddy’ and I couldn’t ‘lose’ it!) – all the way back to the boat.  Not wanting ‘IT’ to be in the general area of my morning routine I finally had to deep-dive to ‘lose’ the culprit – breaking the surface of the water I scampered quickly up the ladder and back onto the safety of my vessel – safe from my own excrement!……

I was indeed ‘relieved’………


Well, this story only came to lite because the guys at work were telling their own unique lake stories one day and my experience just seemed to fit right in, or out.

So ok, I threw it out there into society’s eddy and there it is, out – completely out.

(I really hope it doesn’t ruin your next day at the lake….its waaaay long gone by now).

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