Oh Crap !

Over the past number of years, boating our regions beautiful mountain lakes has remained a favorite hobby of mine – so much so that it creates opportunities for me in spending nights aboard; with that said – and in combination with other factors of the day….the following event was unanticipated, yet with all things considered may have been inevitable.


One evening after a long day of boating I found an isolated, beautiful, and very peaceful cove to drop-anchor and  spend the night in.  Within this particular cove there were steep cliffs on each side, so my anchorage was just off the walls and out of the main channel.  An offshore vessel, my boat at the time enclosed creating a tent-like atmosphere, so I used it that way.

Settling into ‘the best’ sleep amongst the serenity of this particular setting I was only awakened by some pre-daylight anglers working closer down the shoreline.  I could hear the tone of their voices long before their lure bounced from the hull of my vessel.  Their small-talk continued as I lay silent; and then it all faded down the shoreline as they went their way – tranquility returned.

My usual routine for mornings was to jump into the pristine water, climb out, soap down (with Ivory bio-degradable),  and then jump back in to rinse the soap off (wet, soap, rinse) – no damage done. As a conscientious environmental person, if I needed to ‘use the bathroom,’ I just went to shore and took a walk – like the bears do.  On this particular morning, daybreak came early – and along with that came the undeniable (and immediate) urge to expel the previous day’s consumption of fibrous food and beverage products – I really had to use the bathroom!  #2!


Unfortunately the steep walls of this anchorage site prevented an easy trip for settling this issue ashore in a more traditional manner.  As much as I disliked the thought it would be necessary to improvise – sometimes you just gotta-do what you gotta-do, and hey – I really had to ‘doo’…… besides I was never planning on repeating this story.

So I quietly slipped into the still morning water and slowly swam out into the glass-smooth abyss.


Now, I don’t tell too many folks but every since the movie ‘Jaws’ I do have had some apprehension with what might be lurking in the waters darkness – yet on this morning there was something more pressing and urgent on my mind – I had a mission.   The waters remained calm as I gently moved to about 50 feet from the boat and ‘hovered’ in this most serene of settings – this is where I nurtured my very personal and natural urge.

What occurred next really was extraordinary – in fact it was downright amazing.  At the moment I could only think that the ‘mechanics’ of it all had to do with vapor density/specific gravity/the weightlessness like in space, a full moon – or the combination of all of these factors together at once – but what I witnessed suspended just below the clear greenish water was stunning, ‘IT” was an extremely large, contrasting, perfectly symmetrical and straight – THIRTY-INCH ‘LOG’ (it seemed) of human waste – a magnificent and very extraordinaire – ‘turd!’

Any relief that should have come over me from giving birth to such a monster was mixed with utter amazement – and for all the grotesqueness that all this may seem, both ‘IT’ and the moment was simply awesome.  Now as I said before and being alone – this story was truly never meant to be repeated, so feeling a bit less encumbered I eased back towards my boat through the glass-smooth water of the early morning.

Once again since the movie ‘Jaws,’ I do have some apprehension of the ‘unknown’ when swimming alone in deep waters – this apprehension was indeed in my thoughts as I eased back towards the boat – especially when, I felt something foreign gently ‘tap’ at the back of my shoulder!

Brushing the thought away I continued further pretending not to feel anything – but after another one of these more noticeable ‘strikes’ – I reluctantly and ever so cautiously turned in anticipation of confronting the next great attack of the evil creature about to devour me –

– peering below the surface of the water, I saw ‘IT’ – it was that giant mutant turd gliding towards me!


In the mirror-like calm water of the morning, this amazingly huge and distinct ‘turd’ was the creature ‘shadowing’ me.  Within the peace of the early morning “IT’ was trapped in the only current available – the currents of the ‘eddy’ I created immediately behind me as I swam.

I chuckled in relief at my apprehension, but then began swimming with a little more vigor and intent.

To my dismay (and why this story is repeated), the object remained in close pursuit (the damn thing was hung up in my ‘eddy’ (and I couldn’t ‘lose’ it)) all the way back to the boat.  Not wanting ‘IT’ to be in the general area of my morning routine I finally had to deep-dive to ‘lose’ the culprit – breaking the surface of the water I scampered quickly up the ladder and onto my vessel – safe from my own excrement!……

I was indeed ‘relieved’………


Well, this story only came to lite because the guys at work were telling their own unique lake stories one day and my experience just seemed to fit right in, or out.

So ok, I threw it out there into society’s eddy and there it is, out – completely out.

(I really hope it doesn’t ruin your next day at the lake….its waaaay long gone by now).

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